Revelation of the day

I spent the day with my grandma today and we actually had a really good day. She told me something that helped me come to an interesting realization. I've never really been good at making or keeping friends, I'm just kinda socially awkward and I've been aware of this for a long time. Today, my grandma was talking about this with me and she said to me to the effect of, "Relationships mean a lot to you, but you aren't aggressive about making them. You find people who make genuine connections and invest a lot in them." This was really weird for me to think about but I did spend a lot of time thinking about it. Although it may have gotten me into trouble on occasion but I think it's a blessing. I love the people who care about me dearly, and you can be sure that I always will.

GO! GO! GO!

Oh man. I am tired. But, I am tired for some of the best reasons. I gave myself a to do list at the beginning of the weekend that didn't seem that daunting -apparently I was wrong seeing as it is now 1:00 am on Monday and I am still awake. I'm finally doing it, seizing life by the horns. Today I launched my Etsy boutique like I have been talking about doing for FOREVER and within minutes of posting my first few items someone had already added it to their favorites (it would have been more exciting if they had purchased it but beggars can't be choosers). If you want to check it out here's the link: Prettylilpearl on Etsy. But before that my mom and I, and then my grandpa and I took apart the driver's side front door on my car and fixed the power windows and if you've never done that let me say this: I don't suggest it. It was ridiculous, still not sure what exactly was wrong but this was apparently one of those cases of, "If all else fails, kick it" because sure enough Grampy literally whacked on it with a wrench a couple of times and it started working again. So, I did that. Grocery shopped with Mom, finished up photographing and photo shopping all my product photos, posted them all and did all the stuff you have to do in order to do that, created a new Facebook page for my new business, and then wrote emails to my former professors for letter of recommendation. I am so tired!

But about the letters of recommendation, I hate asking people for letters of recommendation. I find it so embarrassing. It is literally fishing for compliments. I firmly believe Proverbs 27:2 "Let someone else praise you, not your own mouth -a stranger, not your own lips." and to me, by asking for a letter of recommendation I'm just not doing that. I understand the need for them and all that, I just don't like it. I've spent so long working on the part of myself that feels that I should be recognized for every good thing I do that I really don't want to have to ask someone to compliment me, I would much rather let my work speak for itself or a compliment come by a persons own volition. Oh well, it's not really my choice now is it.

Next on the agenda: Internship Applications... and trying to figure how that works with paying the bills.

The Beauty Of It

So, today was crazy hair day in Ms. Kelsey and Ms. Megan's class and it was pretty epic. At first I was feeling pretty goofy about going to school with my hair done all crazy, we typically have to look quite professional, but by the time we got all the kid's hair crazed up and the party in full swing I was feeling pretty good. It got me thinking about beauty, I have been mulling this over for a while now and I have come to realize that recently I really feel most beautiful when I'm on the playground running around with the kids and being crazy. When I'm playing, I'm not thinking about what my hair looks like or if I'm wearing the most becoming outfit, I'm just playing and content with me just the way I am.
   For a while I lived this way, back in high school right around senior year, I got to this point where I realized, "Screw it, if they don't like me by now, they're never going to," and I lived my life. Then came the boyfriend. I was still the same with everyone else, but suddenly his opinion mattered and I started to change to make him happy, then that ended and I didn't know how to define myself any more. Gradually I have been working for the past two years on rebuilding myself and figuring out how to get back to that place of living without the concerns of trivial things like outer beauty because I know that while it is important, the inner-beauty is what ultimately lasts.
   I think there are a lot of girls who fall into this same pit and that is why relationships go bad. If we don't know who we are and have a firm belief and base in our own self-worth it is far too easy to compromise and become warped and crumbling versions of ourselves, catering to someone else and trying to be what some one else wants us to be. I don't want my self worth to be dependent on anyone but me and God. I want to live my life with total abandonment of concerns that hold me back from making the most and I want to have healthy relationships in which my self worth is complimentary to my significant others, not dependent upon them.

"...you're sure to do that," said the cat

So, if you don't catch the reference in the name of my blog, chances are you only have a passing acquaintance with Lewis Carol's Alice in Wonderland. In this part of the story Alice is wandering through Wonderland, entirely lost and the Cheshire Cat appears they have a little dialogue that goes like this:

"Would you tell me, please,  which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.

"I don't care much where-" said Alice.

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

"-so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.

"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if only you walk long enough."

I currently identify with Alice quite a lot. I recently graduated with my B.A. in Theatre Arts and Communications and now I'm working for minimum wage at a preschool. I'm not complaining, in fact, I'm fully aware that the only person to blame -if indeed there is blame to be placed, is myself. Quite frankly, I have about as faint an idea of where I want to go as Alice. I have also recently been diagnosed with gout, a form of rheumatoid arthritis that typically strikes men over the age of 45 who drink too much, eat too much red meat and don't eat their vegetables, so how I ended up with it is a medical mystery. I don't really even know why I'm starting this blog, all I know is that it's been on my mind so here we go! Today I begin a journey, I don't know how long it will last or what will be in it, but I'm starting and maybe someone will find amusement from my hum-drum little life.

A little more about me...

I already mentioned I have my B.A.... I love to make things (my next internet goal is to open an Etsy boutique and see if anyone thinks the things I invest so much time in are worth investing a little money in). I make all kinds of stuff, greeting cards, jewelry, wall art, candle holders, plates, I have a lot of hobbies. I really want to get back into theatre regularly if not professionally. I don't think I want to act anymore partly because there are a million average size, average weight, average beauty blonde girls out there and partly because I don't like who I become when I have an audition approaching. I become incredibly critical of myself, especially my appearance, and incredibly irritable and that isn't a healthy way to live. I think that I want to stage manage or do props, I love both of those things and I think I could be happy doing either.

Okay, I think I should wrap it up for now...more to come soon I think.